Welcome students. Today is the big day. Today is your chance to take a stand against the forces of bigotry and homophobia that unfairly targets our brothers, sisters and others in the gay, lesbian, transgendered, bisexual and gender optional community.
By your very presence here, you signify your complete acceptance and approval of alternative lifestyles, sex on demand and the right of all to engage in whatever sexual practices feel good at the moment. You should be proud. And you may all now officially consider yourself enlightened. And empowered.
I want to thank all of you for not bowing down to the fanatical and intolerant Christians who hate sex. I want to acknowledge your bravery, tolerance and dedication to the concept of gender neutrality and the right of every man, woman and others to choose whichever sexual orientation they prefer.
We all recognize the problems you all encounter in your support of these basic human rights. And one day soon, thanks to you, gay men will not have to face the abject discrimination of being forced to use a men's room. Pretty soon, I envision a world where all gender challenged people will be judged by the content of their character instead of their sexual orientation.
Until that day comes, however, I urge you to continue to flaunt your sexuality in the faces of those who, incredibly, still object to men swapping spit with other men. Remember, they are repressed. It's not their fault. They just don't "get it."
I'd also like to thank our generous sponsors, your very own teacher's union. Thanks to them, we have arranged a variety of field trips and a several opportunities for activism. Sign up sheets are available and you will all get class credit and a small stipend for your participation.
Sorry Jannella, we're not taking questions. This is a day of silence. Just listen and don't comment. Unless of course, you're a homophobe….
As I was saying, (could you please quiet down there in back), this school is behind you all the way and will be happy to sponsor any "spontaneous" gatherings in support of our LGBT community. Our print shop has designed and printed several posters you can choose from. (What? No, sorry, we're all out of the Jesus is a Fag signs.)
Because those mean-spirited Republicans just forced Obama to decimate the budget, our teacher's union has been forced to limit the usual per diem. Of course, if your protest makes it to national TV, we'll happily reconsider.
Because this is a national day of silence, I'd like to suggest some excellent visual opportunities. I have several tubes of lipstick for any of you guys out there. Having you boys wear lipstick is a great way to banish the remaining stereotypes of manly men. For you gals, we have these cute buttons with pictures of manly women and effeminate men. (Yes, Henry, you can have both lipstick and a button.)
Last but not least, I'd like to announce our Homosexual Pride essay contest. Our generous teacher's union has offered a grand prize of $500.00 for whomever pens the most articulate and inflammatory essay. The topic is: How Marriage Between a Man and a Woman is Unconstitutional. The winner and runner-up will also be given a pass on math and science for the rest of the semester. (Quiet down!!! This is a day of silence!)
For those of you in the lower grades that haven't yet learned to write, we're offering a prize for the best poster. If you need some help, just holler. Just kidding! Ha, ha.
I'd like to thank all of you for your support. I'd also like to stress that your participation in this momentous event is mandatory. We'd appreciate it if you didn't mention this to your parents. Believe it or not, some parents would object. I know, I know. But take heart in the fact that pretty soon they'll see the light. NAMBLA has a table right over there that offers lots of good information that should come in handy should you need to educate your parents.
You are all excused from classes for the rest of the day. Now go out there and make your silence heard! April 15, 2011
Nancy Morgan is a columnist and news editor for conservative news site RightBias.com She lives in South Carolina