The Stolen Bicycle Chronicles – A Satire

The great journey of First Comrade, Bonzo Haj Omar, began in the Pineapple Academy in Wahiawa, Hawaii his adopted state after his family relocated to Hawaii from Zongo Ubanga in Africa after the great cocoa wars.

First Comrade’s father was known to generations of Hotel Street hostesses in Honolulu as the ‘Professor who can arrange things for you.’ First Comrade’s mother was known in Hotel Street as the ‘great giver of the gift that kept on giving, even after penicillin’.

But thanks to the watchful eye of a family friend in the priesthood who would often tuck the First Comrade into bed at night, First Comrade was awarded a scholarship to the Pineapple Academy in the rundown but quaint northern Oahu town of Wahiawa. First Comrade’s father had received whiskey and cash from the priest to make sure the evening visits to First Comrade’s room would continue. First Comrade immensely enjoyed those visits and would sob if the good priest did not show up. At that time First Comrade decided he wanted to be a priest when he grew up. This is before he decided he wanted to be First Comrade.

First Comrade was precocious at school. He was popular with his teachers, especially single male teachers who often tutored him late after school. He developed an excellent rapport with these teachers.

Thus when First Comrade began stealing girls’, and even teachers’, pocketbooks, he was not punished. He knew how to stay on the good side of his teachers no matter what rule he broke, and did so even if sometimes he had a bad taste in his mouth or found it painful to sit the next day.

Because of his cache with the teachers, various adventurous and high spirited classmates in the school allowed First Comrade to be their leader.

One day, after school, First Comrade decided he wanted to visit California. At age 17, he figured it was his turn to be a famous Hollywood actor, like Ron Pallilla (Arnold Horsham) on ‘Welcome Back Kotter’.

So he and two friends, Skip and Chris, all borrowed bicycles, and decided to bike to California. That Hawaii was separated from California by the Pacific Ocean was unknown to them, as geography was not a strong area of their knowledge. The bicycles’ owners had not known their bikes were being borrowed, but it was for a good cause They rode their bikes along the highway and stopped at a restaurant in Millilani, a neighboring town. There they came to Johann’s Seafood, and the three youths walked in, with about $2.00 in change amongst them.

They sat down at a table, ordered steaks and lobsters and had a wonderful meal, discussing how famous and rich they would be when they made it to Hollywood.

Soon a lanky, tall waiter named Bill came with their food and the boys devoured their meals, as they were hungry. Then the check came.

The boys had ordered $127.63 worth of food but could not pay for it. But First Comrade showed his leadership qualities once more. He told the other boys to wait outside for him and he took Bill aside.

‘Bill, could you help me in the bathroom? ‘He asked, as he copped a feel. Bill was like putty in his hands. After about seven minutes in the men’s room, the matter of the unpaid meal check was over.

First Comrade then joined the other boys. They kept riding till they came to downtown Honolulu, and First Comrade asked a policeman how to get to California.’ Young fella, said the police officer, ‘You are thousands of miles by water from California. You get can’t get there from here unless you take a boat or a plane.’ Without even making eye contact, First Comrade and his friends road away without so much as a thank you. They didn’t believe the cop.

They kept looking for the signs that pointed to California, but soon they were in Waikiki.

They road their bikes down Kalakaua Avenue, and soon they knew they were in Hollywood. They had traveled many miles and night had fallen Crowds of tourists were everywhere.

The sign said ‘Planet Hollywood’.

‘I knew that cop was lying.’ said First Comrade.

The boys walked around and saw the exhibits on the wall. There were pictures and artifacts from movie and television greats.

The host welcomed them.

‘Would you boys like to be seated?’

Chris said ‘ okay, but when do we get our screen tests ?’

The host smiled, said ‘Come with me ‘They followed him to a remote booth near the entrance to the kitchen.

A waitress soon came by and gave them menus. It had been hours since they had eaten and they were famished. They ordered hearty meals and desserts, and wondered when a producer, director or casting agent would come to their table.

Soon a Japanese tourist came by with a camera and took some pictures. Perhaps he included First Comrade and his pals in the picture, perhaps not. But, First Comrade and his friends assumed the Japanese tourist was a casting agent. He walked up to him and gave the tourist a piece of paper with their names and addresses and phone numbers and they introduced themselves. The tourist, who did not speak a word of English, accepted the paper, smiled, bowed and walked away.

The boys fully expected now to be contacted by a studio or agent.

After the meal, payment was a problem.

The check was again, well over $100. The boys waited until nobody was at the front cashier’s office and simply ran out the door very quickly and looked for their bikes. But they didn’t have bike locks and their bikes were gone!

After panhandling for enough bus fare to get home, they got on buses and went back to their dormitories at the Pineapple Academy, and breathlessly waited for the phone to ring from Hollywood.

Time passed, and no Hollywood agents or talent scouts called any of the boys.

But one day young Bonzo was at the beach with the boys near the Royal Hawaiian Hotel in Waikiki. The day was hot, it was in May, and the Hawaiian sun was scorching the sun worshippers on the sand.

Young Bonzo was walking along the beach, eyeing the eye candy on the beach.

But there He saw the man who would change His life and transform Him into the World Saviour.

No less a man than the Prophet Mohammad appeared to him on a flying carpet.

‘Bonzo’, the Prophet said, ‘you are a man with a destiny. Read my Holy Scripture the Holy Koran and study the Hadith piously and you will become the Mahdi and subdue the infidels, humiliate the Hindu, the Bhuddist, the Jew and the Christian, from within.’

‘I am ready, Oh Holy Prophet.’

‘Then you must hop on my magic flying carpet and hold me tight.’

The future Savior held the Prophet on his magic carpet and flew with him to a cloud above the Holy city of Mecca. As First Comrade peered down from the sky to the city of the Kabba and the Holy Mosque, He felt the caress of the Prophet upon him. Soon the Prophet drew a sword and shred First Comrade’s clothing to pieces.

First Comrade sat naked with the Prophet Mohammed on a Flying carpet way upon heaven high, and the Prophet began to share his infinite and mighty love with Him.

‘Bonzo ‘said the Prophet, I have purified you by spilling my seed unto you. I will make you a great, great Sheikh of your country.’

The carpet flew back to Hawaii, but the Prophet Mohammed disappeared into a pillar of fire which flew away.

The carpet descended into a clearing on the ground near where the First Comrade lived.

Amazed, He told his teachers what had happened to Him.

After they committed First Comrade to the psychiatric clinic at the Kapiloani Memorial Hospital, He escaped and joined the Democratic Party.

As a new Democrat, First Comrade‘s first objective was to marry a woman to cover his love that dared not speak its name. For First Comrade loves the twin body, and the tight muscles of a well built athletic specimen.

But some in society, even among the Democrats, had narrow minded prejudices and phobias against such romances.

So among the Daughters of Sappho, He found a willing woman to help him pull of a charade of being just another breeder, when in fact He was Bonzo Haj Omar, a Man of Destiny with a passion for girly men.

In other words he became another hermaphrodite in the Democratic Party who had it both ways as He made its way up and into the party ranks.

Soon He met Darren Geffergoff, multi billionaire record and film czar who was the most powerful Democrat in Malibu.

After living for a few weeks in Darren’s house, Bonzo’s future as the Messiah was assured.

He became the darling of the media, the foundations, the secret societies, and the Mattachine Order.

A star was born.

Today who does not know of the Miracles of the Messiah, Bonzo Haj Omar and of his magic carpet ride with the Prophet of Allah, Mohammed?

Blessed be those who speak of the Man and the legend.