Male Hair Syndrome

Men, all men, want a full head of hair. No matter how secure, powerful, rich or successful a man is, his Achilles heel is the pattern of his hair growth.

It is the rare man who accepts the inevitable loss of his hair with grace. Most believe a full head of hair equates with youth, vigor and masculinity. And he will go to desperate lengths to hide a thinning thatch.

The first stop in the 'I'm not losing my hair' denial syndrome is the comb over. Long wisps of hair stretched carefully over a gleaming dome. Of course hairspray is absolutely necessary and its best to avoid wind. Yikes. Of course, he isn't fooling anyone, but apparently he doesn't know that. Are you listening Donald??

When the comb over becomes even too obvious for the comber to ignore, many men are prepared to take more drastic steps. These steps take various forms, depending on a man's pocketbook, profession, the age of his wife and the size of his ego.

Men of means seem to gravitate to hair plugs. These implanted plugs of hair from various other parts of the body allow the plugee to fool himself into believing that no-one will notice he's, gasp, losing his hair. He's still young and virile, you bet. Hey, just look at Joe Biden.

Awhile back, there was a nifty little product on the market that helped men disguise the hints of scalp that start to show through as their hair thinned. Far left producer Oliver Stone used this one. A can of black spray paint shot directly onto the scalp effectively gave the appearance of a real full head of hair. From a distance. Close up, I'm sorry to say, it was giggle inducing.

The next step on the Male Hair Express involves, you guessed it, the toupee. The toupee is usually the easiest to spot, as so many of the men that sport one fail to realize how unnatural it is to have a lion's mane perched atop a face full of wrinkles. Hellooo John Kerry. Theresa, please tell him!

When all else fails, and the male hair continues to thin, its out with the razor and hello baldness. Baldness was first made popular by Telly Savalas in his role of Kojak. It was then picked up by actor Bruce Willis, who gave baldness an enduring cachet. Baldness was the mark of a devil may care individuality, expressing an 'I don't give a damn' attitude, showing one and all that the (bald) guy was far above vanity. For awhile there, back in the 1980's, a bald dome exemplified masculinity. And a trend was born.

Now we have men in their 20's shaving their whole heads as soon as their hair starts to thin or recede. The only problem is, the originators of the baldness trend were movie stars whose chiseled faces didn't require a supporting cast of hair. That can't be said for most men.

So now, we have a lot of bald guys. Guys who, from a woman's point of view, would look ever so much better if they had even a modicum of hair to soften their features.* But its no use telling men that.

Women have learned through out the ages that a man's thinning hair is a subject best left alone. We have learned not to giggle. We know that the quickest way to alienate a man is to suggest we're on to his, uh, hair situation. So we encourage and flatter. Which, of course, allows the man to feel that he is indeed fooling everyone with his comb over, plugs, spray, toupee, or permanent baseball cap.

He's not. To most women, male efforts to disguise their natural hair loss is seen as, well, a weakness. A vanity, if you will. A toupee tells us the man is vain. Sorry, Tom Delay. Hair plugs tell us a man is insecure. Sorry Biden. And a shaved head tells us the man was going bald and desperately wants to hide it. And there's nothing masculine about that.

Enter feminists. In their desperate quest to eradicate any and all differences between men and women, feminists have told men that hair vanity is A OK. Hey, nail polish, hair spray and rapt attention to hair is your right. Even liposuction is on the table.

Unfortunately, many men actually believe that feminists speak for all women. They buy into the 'metrosexual' myth and heave a sigh of relief. Finally, its OK to be sensitive, vain and well, feminine. The hairspray and blow dryer retain their place of honor on their new dressing table.

Very few of these metrosexuals realize that the only women they attract with their perfect (and unnatural) coiffures are liberals and/or feminists. Not that there's anything wrong with that:)

Heads up, guys. Women place most of their currency in their own looks, not yours. Thinning hair matters not a whit to most women. And many women, myself included, know that a man who has the courage to accept the hair God gave him is the most masculine male of all. And he looks 100% better than most of those sorry guys that go to such lengths to cover up what's happening right on top of their eyes. And that's the truth.

* The exception to the rule: Guys in the military, who, though almost bald, look great because we automatically know they're warriors, i.e.: masculine.

Nancy Morgan is a columnist and news editor for

She lives in South Carolina

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